the cloudtopian awards
on awards season and how i watch movies
We are deep in the heart of film and television awards season, and the Oscars are coming up this weekend, and I am so excited. I have awards season fever! I love speculation! I love spectacle! I love movies!
And yes, I feel like I should make clear, I think the Academy Awards and similar programmes are deeply problematic and uphold harmful systems of power in our culture and regularly platform people with terrible politics and are a garish display of wealth and privilege, and also, are always way more boring than you think they’re going to be?
At time of writing, I’ve watched nine out of ten of the best picture nominees, and a decent handful of other films nominated across other categories. I’m placing my (imaginary) bets, I’m following the film discourse and the predictions and the buzz, and I won’t even see most of the awards show broadcast because I do not live in a time zone that makes it easily watchable, but I’m in it! For reasons I cannot even explain to myself, I simply love all the awards show drama, and I’ve been fascinated by it for longer than I’ve even actually liked movies. This must be what it feels like to enjoy sport, except my athletes are former theatre kids and other Hollywood weirdos in glittery formal wear, and instead of running around or performing impressive feats, they’re sitting in a big theatre and pretending to laugh at the host’s unfunny monologues. I’m not making this sound very appealing, and the thing is, it isn’t, these broadcasts aren’t actually good, and yet……
I’ve been watching more and more movies lately, and especially new and nominated movies, and its made me realise two things about my personal relationship with film:
I think I finally actually like movies, which I did not for most of my life! I honestly just did not have the attention span for movies for a long time, and as a child all movies(basically, stories with conflict) made me very anxious, to the point that while I had a lot of DVDs I loved, I almost exclusively watched bonus features(fun! free of conflict and suspense!) and played with the DVD menus rather than actually watch the films. I learned to enjoy movies over time, but it was never my favourite medium or something I appreciated the artistry of.
I’ve started to treat watching films like homework? And I’m not sure if this is good or bad. I give myself assignments for things I think I should watch, contemporary films being discussed, artists or genres I want to deepen my understanding of, or historic and culturally significant works I want to study. I usually take notes during or after watching, and I often view the things I watch less as entertainment and more as sources or texts for cultural research. I really enjoy doing this, and love writing about films that I engage with in this way as I often do in this newsletter, but I’m not sure if approaching viewings as required reading is the best way to take them in.
In the past few years since I became active on the film review site letterboxd it has really changed how I think about films. When I first started my film diary there, I came up with an absurdly overcomplicated set of criteria and an equation by which I would generate ratings for movies I watch.
The joke of this rating system is that it was hyper specific and nonsensical to the point of being essentially meaningless - the most important criteria for getting a good rating are based on things almost no movies include(one example is extremely specific filming locations being a requirement for a perfect score), and I think the highest score I’ve ever calculated for a movie (including all of my personal favourites) has only been a 12 out of 15 possible points. The system is also entirely secret. I do have a real system, and yes, I actually do math everytime I watch a movie in order to calculate its rating, but I will never reveal the details of how the system work.
From the categories in the newsletter below, you get a little bit of a sense of the types of things I love(and hate) in films that are variables in my algorithm1 But I created the system coming from a place where I honestly believed that all movies are a little bit terrible, and the imperfect system reflects that. While I have changed my views about movies and how to watch them and what I have learned to love about them, I haven’t changed my system very much, partly because I still find it funny to give objectively good movies terrible scores and objectively dumb movies that happen to include certain things surprisingly good scores; but mostly because it reminds me of how much my understandings have changed, and of the idea that there is no perfection on film, only striving for greatness. I think that’s the magic of it.
This is what the Cloudtopian awards, presented here, are all about. The magic! There will be no best picture, no focus on individuals, but instead this is a lighthearted and very silly approach to the little things that, for me at least, made movie magic in an array of incredible 2023 film releases.
Without further ado, let the silly awards categories begin……..
Best Opening Gimmick
I love a stylish opening/opening credit sequence. The nominees are…
The biographical background sung by a choir in Bernadette
The medieval manuscript inspired opening title card for Saltburn
The illustrated quilts(?) in the opening credits of Poor Things
The opening perspective of Past Lives
The animated collage opening sequence of The Archies
and the winner is …. the 2001: A Space Odyssey homage in Barbie
Best Performance by an Irish Celebrity
So many Irish performers in celebrated leading roles this year - the nominees are…
Barry Keoghan for Saltburn
Cillian Murphy for Oppenheimer
Nicola Coughlan for Barbie
Andrew Scott for All of Us Strangers
Paul Mescal for All of Us Strangers
and the winner is, in many ways…. Ayo Edebiri for Bottoms !!!
Best Leading Little Animal
Nothing better than seeing a little creature on screen. The nominees are…
Chaotic CGI giraffe for Wonka
Symbolically meaningful butterflies for May December
Goose the cat for The Marvels
and the winner is… Messi as Snoop in Anatomy of a Fall ! A truly incredible performance by a very good dog!
Best Appearance by Food
The delicious nominees are….
Peeled orange shared with a friend from Oppenheimer
Strawberry milk from Asteroid City
The things they taste3 in The Taste of Things
Parking lot Cherries Jubilee from The Holdovers
and the winner is…. pastel de nata eaten in one bite from Poor Things !!!
Best acting choice (weird voices)
Imagine if being an annoying theatre kid was a full time job. Well, through the magic of the movies, it is! The nominees are…
Whatever Robert Pattinson is doing in The Boy and the Heron
Mark Ruffalo’s awful accent work in Poor Things.
The way Timothée Chalamet pronounces “chocolate” and “acacia” and also says all of his lines in Wonka.
Kenneth Branagh’s lil Poirot voice in A Haunting in Venice
and the winner is… Julianne Moore’s speaking voice for May December
Best usage of black and white for some reason
Movies this year, for some reason, really loved doing the Wizard of Oz thing. The nominees are….
The black and white flash forward from Oppenheimer
The black and white old hollywood fantasy from The Colour Purple
I can’t be bothered to fact check this but there must have been a black and white scene/character in Across the Spider Verse right??
The black and white opening from Poor Things
The black and white opening from Maestro
and the winner is…. The black and white behind-the-scenes sections of Asteroid City !!!!
Best Featured Appearance by a Pair of Sunglasses
Barbie big stylish glasses for Barbie
Robert DeNiro’s goofy goggles for Killers of the Flower Moon
Ken’s layered pairs of sunglasses for Barbie
Bella’s victoriana steampunk sunnies for Poor Things
and the winner is … Cool shades all the scientists had to wear during the trinity test from Oppenheimer !!!!
Best dream ballet
The dreamy nominees…
“I’m Just Ken” dream ballet from Barbie
“On the Town” medley dream ballet from Maestro
The dance scene from Poor Things(not really a dream ballet but the dance is representative of their relationship! so…)
The winner is … ME because I love dream ballets and the judges(also me) could not pick a winner for this category because they’re all my favourite scenes in their respective films. <3
Best Visit to a Museum on Screen
The Picasso scene in Oppenheimer
The Monet scene in Good Grief
The Victoria and Albert Museum in Red, White, and Royal Blue
The Guggenheim sequence in Across the Spiderverse
And the winner is… the museum scene in The Holdovers !!!4
Best Cameo Appearance by an Actor Nominated for Something Else
A lot of actors(and some directors) appeared in a lot of movies. Do we have an actor shortage? Should we be worried about this? The nominees are…
Bradley Cooper from Maestro as a raccoon in Guardians of the Galaxy 3 and in a cameo in Dungeons & Dragons
Colman Domingo from Rustin in The Color Purple
Jeffrey Wright from American Fiction in Asteroid City
Margot Robbie from Barbie in Asteroid City
Honourable mention: Issa Rae for American Fiction and Barbie AND Spiderverse
and the winner is… Sandra Hüller from Anatomy of a Fall in The Zone of Interest!!! What can I say about her but wow !!!
Achievement by a Riverdale Alumnus
This very special award goes to…. Charles Melton for May December !!!
Best Goofy Hat Prominently Featured in a Film
The nominees are…
The Oppie hat and Einstein hat in Oppenheimer
The wildly oversized hats everyone wears in Killers of the Flower Moon
Top hat in Wonka
The winner is… Harrison Ford wearing a hat for Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny !!! He’s back! And still wearing big hats!!!
Longest film I Sat Through(Hater Category)
This was a VERY competitive category this year!!! Why is everything so long! Some great movies made this list, and the nominees are…
Across the Spider Verse(140 minutes)
Poor Things(142 minutes, felt longer!)
Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny(154 minutes)
Oppenheimer(180 minutes)
the longest and most exhausting by almost half an hour was….Killers of the Flower Moon at two hundred and six earth minutes !!!!
Achievement in the Male Gaze(Hater Category)
Awarded to… Yorgos Lanthimos for Poor Things
Best Weird Advertising in a Film(Hater Category)
The nominees….
Air
and The Beanie Bubble and Flaming Hot and Blackberry
The Loewe commercial in Good Grief
Barbie/Mattel in Barbie
and the winner is…. Barbie but not for any of the Mattel stuff, for the car commercial for whatever car America Ferrera was driving !!!
Best Musical Number That Explains the Plot of the Movie
This was a very tough category full of worthy competitors! Thank goodness for all the musical moments in movies that helped to explain the stories and themes to me in 2023. The nominees are….
“Everything is Politics” from The Archies
“Dear Alien(Who Art in Heaven)” from Asteroid City
“A World of Your Own” from Wonka
“High Life“ from Flora and Son
“Man Eater” from No Hard Feelings
“Camp Isn’t Home” from Theatre Camp
“Pink” and “Pink(Bad Day)” from Barbie
and the winner is… “I’m Here” from The Color Purple5
And finally, the last awards of the Cloudtopians….
Best Film Ending that Kind of Disappointed/Annoyed Me
For weird pacing, the fact that it had like four distinct endings, and the Billie Eilish song being annoying… Barbie
For leaving us with a cliffhanger because they only care about setting up the sequel…. Spider-Man: Across the Spider-verse6
For being annoying and nonensical … Saltburn
The winner is….American Fiction !!! I actually kind of like this ending, but it felt incomplete to me and I kept waiting for one final layer to the fiction of it all, like maybe we would learn that the entire story was just part of the story Monk was telling. I wish this movie had dug that little bit deeper.
Best Ending
For its absurdity and groovy tunes… Saltburn
For the haunting performance of its last scene … May December
For its baffling and memorable final moments…. Asteroid City
For an innovative and moving conclusion to a devastating epic… Killers of the Flower Moon
And the winner is…..
What nominees did I miss? What overly specific categories were your favourites on screen this year? What movies should I be watching next? If you have any recommendations or want to tell me about my awful taste, please get in touch :)
This newsletter was a bit of a silly one because I felt the need to review Oscar nominees at the last moment instead of sharing what I had scheduled for this week… but have no fear, I will be back very soon with upcoming discussions about art and museums, St. Patrick, an Arthur Conan Doyle novel, and lots more! See you then <3
for your consideration,
isobel
A few examples of high weight variables: music and musical performance, fashion and design.
I heard a rumour that part of the Maestro for your consideration campaign included sending out Snoopy plushies and if anyone knows how I can get one ………………
idk I haven’t seen it yet
“man’s every impulse and appetite, from the disgusting to the sublime, is on display right here”
The original version of this song, it must be said, is much better than the shortened version in the film :’(
This is the one and only time I will get the full title right